first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
