I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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