i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
