farters have to be the big spoon...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
