i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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