got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
