Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
