I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You took a bar mat shot.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
