you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
