I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
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