david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
