When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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