So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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