I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Dicks are not precious.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
