seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
