wakey wakey hands off snakey
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
