i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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