Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
