dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
