it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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