I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
