it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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