I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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