my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
