Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
