you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
