i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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