Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
