I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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