Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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