i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
