I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
