return my video game
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
