A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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