Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
