Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
