mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
