Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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