Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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