I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
