I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Randomize
