I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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