you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
pray to the hookup gods
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
