i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
