i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
