I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I want her autograph on my taint
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I think my moral compass just broke
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