Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
