i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
