Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
