I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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