Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
